Identity-as-a-Service™

You Already Know Who You Are. You Just Haven’t Subscribed Yet.

INITIATING_TRANSMISSION
AUTHOR: Profit
ORIGIN: Queensbridge
CURRENT_LOCATION: Tijuana, Baja California, MX, Earth-473B
STATUS: Operational
CLASSIFICATION: FIELD_REPORT // IDENTITY_ACQUISITION // SELF_DEPLOYED

I found it between a man crying about his morning routine and a journal that costs $89, comes with a pen and a washing machine.

The ad said you already know who you are, you just haven’t subscribed yet.

That’s true. I do know who I am. I’ve known the whole time. The ad just confirmed it, which is exactly what a company does when they have a winning product. I read it thirteen times, I wasn’t unsure, I was checking for typos, and there weren’t any, which told me everything.

I clicked Learn More immediately. This is my field report.

//THE_PRODUCT

Identity-as-a-Service™ doesn’t build who you are. It installs it. Building takes time and mistakes. And mistakes cost money. Installing takes a card number. I know which one I prefer and so do you, you just haven’t admitted it yet, which is fine, that’s what the platform is for.

//THE_TIERS

CREATOR — $19/month

For the individual who makes things.

I make things. I’ve always made things. The problem was nobody knew, because I didn’t have the badge, and without the badge you’re not a Creator, you’re just a guy, and being a guy doesn’t show up in search results. I was a guy for a long time. That’s behind me now.

The badge rotates in my email signature. People respond faster to my emails. That’s not a coincidence, that’s a concurrence. I also got the Vocabulary Expansion Pack, thirty seven words, including iterate, intentional, and generative. I use all three in every email sentence now. My emails are longer. Longer means more thorough. More thorough means correct. Correct means exactly.

The pack also comes with seven power phrases. Things like “I’m in a season of” and “this is giving me a lot to think about” and “the whitespace here is intentional.” I’ve deployed four of them this week. Three were a success. One was in a text to my cousin. She said ok. She’s not ready. That’s fine.

FOUNDER — $47/month

For the individual who has founded, is founding, or has meaningfully intended to found something.

I haven’t launched anything yet. Doesn’t matter. The disposition is the designation, and I have always had the disposition, since childhood, I remember it clearly, I was maybe six. Also, the platform says so and they’re always right, I know because i thought of it, which is proof and proof is in the puddings, and I ate a whole lot of puddings. I read that somewhere when I was eleven.

They give you the Origin Story Template. Four blanks. You fill them in, it prints your whole founder story with a logo on it, struggle, breakthrough, vision, all caps where it counts. I filled mine in during lunch. It’s completely true. I know it’s true because I wrote it, and I don’t write things that aren’t true, that would be dishonest, and I’m a Founder now, Founders don’t do that.

You also get one Pivot Allowance a year, fully timestamped. I haven’t used mine. I’m saving it for when I actually pivot, which I will, I already know what it’s going to be, I just haven’t told the platform yet because the timing has to feel aligned. Aligned is doing exactly what you were already planning to do, spiritually justified. I learned that from the Guru Glossary.

NOMAD - $67/month

For the individual who is location-independent, location-adjacent, or has opened a laptop somewhere that wasn’t the kitchen since the pandemic.

Must own pool.

I don’t own a pool, but Montgomery and I picked up two kiddie pools last week, and I already emailed the platform about it because I’m pretty sure it still counts. It’s not about the size of the pool. It’s about what time you get in. We got in early. That’s the part that counts. And I can count to a hunnerd.

Twelve approved video call backgrounds. Each one implies a country. I use the Lisbon one on client calls. I have never been to Lisbon. No, I’m not lying, the background is licensed content, licensed content isn’t a lie, it’s a subscription. There’s a monthly geo-tag suggestion too, somewhere to mention like I’ve been there. I mentioned Lisbon last week in a post. Four people liked it. Two of them have actually been to Lisbon. Neither one corrected me, which confirms I got the details right.

Also, I’m in Tijuana. That’s base tier, free. I’m basically already saving sixty seven dollars a month just by living here, which the platform should really be paying me for.

STOIC — $97/month

For the individual who endures without announcing it and has quoted Marcus Aurelius twice in the last ninety days.

I don’t suppress my emotions, I optimize them. Suppression is free, and free things are worth what you paid for them, everybody knows that.

The Stoic tier comes with access to The Quiet Room. Four thousand members. Zero complaining. I’ve been in there six times this week and nobody has said anything yet. It isn’t silence. It’s infrastructure. The difference is the $97.

There’s also a recommended reading list. Marcus Aurelius is first. I already read it. Took forty minutes. The main point was that suffering is a subscription you forgot to cancel. I know this because I read it twice. The second time to confirm the first time. Both times I was right. He would have been on this tier. Actually the Elite tier. He had the disposition. He just didn’t have the platform, which is the only reason nobody knows how much he would have made while he slept. I’m not speculating. I checked.

The list has nine other books. I don’t need them. Forty minutes of Aurelius confirmed what I already knowed, which is that I’ve been Stoic since before I knowed the word, which means I’ve been doing this for free my whole life, and the $97 is back pay, so I technically owe myself money, and that means I’m already cash flow positive on this tier before the first billing cycle closes. That numbers are correct. I ran them twice. Both times they was correct.

RECOVERING STOIC - $97/month

For the individual who successfully completed Stoicism and has been approved to begin feeling stuffs again.

Same price as Stoic, which tells you recovery’s part of the package. If they charged less it’d imply emotions are cheaper than discipline, and everybody knows feelings are expensive. Look at weddings.

Montgomery got “joy” six months ago. He’s still stuck in orientation because he keeps trying to update the firmware on happiness. He sent a ticket to support asking them for the exact exchange rate between joy and productivity. They banned his account for two weeks and told him to go sit in a park and look at a fountain until he stopped trying to analyze the water pressure. He’s currently appealing the decision.

I asked him if the fountain helped. He said the fountain is a security risk because it’s constantly leaking information into the surrounding air and nobody knows who is collecting the data. Fountains get away with way too much because they’re considered aesthetic rather than technical.

They grant you three sanctioned complaints every month. I haven’t used a single one. You don’t waste your limited complaint allowance on minor inconveniences. You save those for massive system errors like when a sentence runs out of room at the end of a paragrafts.

PREMIUM FOUNDER STOIC NOMAD CREATOR ELITE - $297/month

This is for the individual who is too complex to be categorized by a single label and needs a subscription package that acknowledges their multi-layered architecture.

The digital badge on your screen cycles through all five titles every four seconds. I’m actually all five simultaneously, so this is the only tier that is mathematically correct. The other tiers are entry points for people who haven’t synchronized their internal databases yet.

You get the Unified Identity Dashboard, one place for every version of you, plus a weekly Identity Performance Audit that tells you which version is performing best so you know which one to lead with next week. Mine says Founder is up nine percent. I’m leaning with Founder this week. That’s what you call adjusting your output based on the current metrics, which is what a Founder does, which I am, this week specifically.

The Elite Mastermind has two hundred people, all paying $297, all in the same room. That’s $78,327 a month of people finally being themselves together in one place, that number alone tells you everything about how many people needed Identity-as-a-Service™ and didn’t know it existed yet, same as me, three weeks ago.

There’s also a quarterly check-in that asks: Are you still suffering correctly?

Someone built a form for that question. They opened a laptop and typed that question into a form builder and looked at it and said yes, that’s the question, submit, and then closed the laptop and went and lived their life and I want to know everything about that person. I’ll call him Neil. I want to know what Neil had for breakfast that morning. Did Neil sleep well the night before or if the question came to Neil as he was removing lint from his belly button at 2am. I want to know if Neil told anyone. I want to know what the other person said. His name is Theodore. I want to know if Theodore is still in Neil’s life. I want to know everything except I only have one complaint and I’m saving it.

After you sign up you’ll be aligned, which means straight forward, which means you’re right, same way I’m right, which I’ve been since I was eleven. like I said. Proof is in the puddings, and I ate a lot of puddings as a kid, so I’ve had more proof than most people my whole life.

SYSTEM_LOG: IDENTITY_ACQUISITION_AUDIT
PRODUCT: Identity-as-a-Service™
ENTRY_POINT: Sponsored post // Between crying man and $89 journal
TIERS_REVIEWED: 6 // All necessary // None skipped
BADGE_STATUS: Rotating // Accurate
POOL_REQUIREMENT: Pending review // Response expected any day
BREAKDOWN: Scheduled // Looking forward to it
COMPLAINT_CAP: 3/month // 0 used // Saving them for something real
PIVOT_ALLOWANCE: 1/year // Already know what it is // Timing pending
IDENTITY_PERFORMANCE_THIS_WEEK: Founder, up 9%
SUBSCRIPTION_STATUS: Active

//END OD TRANSMISSION

Profit